1. Go outside on a rainy day and try to count the number of raindrops that hit your face and think really hard about how water seems endless and how you may never be dry again.
2. Trace your birthmark with a black sharpie so that it looks like a cartoon. Study the parts of your body you hate….
Excerpt from my upcoming chapbook Inner City Hymn. [Please look forward to it. I am working hard to write something I will be proud to hold in my hands.]
I want to know you forever…
I’ve always wanted to know you for forever.
Everyone and everything will always be a poor substitute.
They will never be you…
I woke up starving for you.
I used to pray to soft summer nights for the taste of your lips.
I used to kiss you goodbye with tears on my tongue.
You taught me that the mouth is cruel,
so I stopped allowing myself to indulge in you.
You who is Paris in the rain.
You who is as fleeting as shooting stars.
I think candy melted over your bones.
I guess that’s why I hold you like I want to feel your skeleton.
I guess that’s why I am starving in your absence.
Do you remember when I said it hurts?
We layed on a mattress until I could eat something
and watched The Notebook sixteen times until you got sick of it
We sat on a bridge deck for four hours with five packets of Camel and eight lighters
I had three pink ones and you asked if I wanted to fly
maybe I said, maybe, if there’s no other way
You smiled at my anxiety and said that one day I’ll wipe your tears
one day your wounds will be as deep as mine
We can compare scars and laugh about the past
In the middle of everything I stopped crying
stood up with my back straight
and screamed “I’ll survive” over and over again until my lungs ran out of air
then you took my hand and we dared to cross the lake
while the ice broke underneath us
we pretended that we were invincible
I could defeat everything right there and then
the same second you stop caring whether you live or not
in that moment you are truly free
"of course you’ll survive, you always do".
I may not see you all the while
but you are always on my mind.
I know you feel neglected, or even rejected
but truth be told, you are always on my mind.
Even when we are miles apart.
you still live in my heart.
I don’t want to neglect you.
i don’t want to reject you.
I don’t even want to forsake you
y o u -
tore me apart.
I want to feel safe again so that - YOU and I can be joined together
YOU-and-I are together without any space between.
I may not see you all the while, but you are always on my mind.
Whenever you feel rejected, you are still on my mind.
You are my king and I am your queen with nothing in between.
Maybe a little space can come between YOU-and-I,
but it wont hurt us or even change us,
because truth be told - you are always on my mind.
The many mysteries of Him.
I remember meeting him . It is like a breath of fresh air and I felt as if I was floating on cloud nine. He had a particular radiance to him and he won me over with that white, broad smile. I remember when he offered to help me and because he was extremely polite and extremely shy in his countenance, I gave him a chance.
He is usually not the type of guys that caught my eyes. I like my men rowdy with an air of mystery. He on the other hand was simple and he still is. He is sheltered on certain aspects of life because of the way he was raised or because he refused to not be like his father. A Ladies’ man. I could understand that but sometimes I wish he was more expressive.
Why is he not expressive? He is not expressive because previous relationship has traumatized him. Just because he is shy and he is not really the one to keep a conversation going, others before me misjudged his behaviour. He has been called a jerk (but perhaps he is) he is seen as heartless (because he doesn’t know to be empathetic) and this creates a dent in his expression because when he do express his feelings, he is still being judged.
I also have my doubts and like any other female before me, I play mind games as well. I play tricks just to get a feedback but sometimes the feedback is not music to my ears. I have my doubts and sometimes I cry at nights but whenever I look from where he is coming from, I just smile and say everything will be alright.
I know that anybody will feel drained being in a relationship with a complicated person but I know his softer side, I know that he loves companionship even though he doesn’t express it well.
How do I know? well many times I’ll lay on the bed and this non expressive person will put their head on my chest and rubbed his head on my belly or on my chest as I massage his head. He’ll do physical things to show his appreciation, this is how I know.
I tell myself that we are not always going to find people that’ll express themselves in the manner that we want them to. However, if we can look beyond our expectations, we’ll realize that despite their thorns or flaws, there’s a human being that is worthy to love and to appreciate.
Love beyond Measures.
Love beyond all circumstances.
Love lifts us up to where we belong.
The many mysteries of him, I have come to realize, are found in his softer side, his vulnerable side and though he wears an exterior or puts on a demeanor which screams- I am complicated, there is a human being that is worthy to be loved.
The way you behave in our relationship is based upon and dictated by someone who is no longer in your life. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you will stop wasting yours and my time. I am NOT her.